Deceit: Speaking with the intent to hide one or more facts.
Though of course this is my definition of the word, it stands to say that in that moment your mind interprets deception, it hurts on many different levels. Being that I am a person who is gullible in many of societies standards (naive is a word that is more commonly used by me, though they are pretty much one in the same), it stands to reason that my mind perceives those who deceive me as a threat to my care and compassion. If I care about someone and they are aware of my baser personality, they are fully aware that I am at times incapable of reading the room, so to speak. It is the people I choose to have in my life and who know that the act of deceiving me, will completely destroy a relationship I have with that person, no matter the type. With the realization that I have been deceived, there are steps to the rabbit holes I drop into without knowing what is happening until I go back and reflect on it. This post will be the reflection that I have recorded in the past. For some odd reason, I wonder if its the same for others who wear similar shoes…. we shall have to see!
Anger comes first with the realization that I was naive enough to think that the person I trusted would not be honest with me to being with. After many years walking in the shoes I wear, I have learned that I shouldn’t take anyone for their word. I simply refuse to live my life in constant fear and paranoia that everyone around me is looking to harm me. I am such an open person about everything that when I am redirected or gaslit into believing the false reality someone is feeding my mind, I don’t find myself questioning what is said. I have been plagued with the inability to see the body language that accompanies the intent someone has, so at times, it takes me months, if not years to see that I am being used or heck, that I am being blatantly lied to. *By the way, THIS SUCKS!”
Confusion in the form of second guessing myself and becoming upset that I am paranoid while fearing the retribution that comes with false accusations if the realization is wrong. After all, why would a person break my trust over something so futile when I am the last person who would judge another person. Am I jumping to conclusions? How do I know if I am? Is there any way to prove without a shadow of doubt that the person has deceived me? If there isn’t, will I be able to trust their truth when I am doubting it right now?
Royally Pissed off when the deceit is standing in front of my face with proof of it. This moment is when I begin pruning my shrubs, because at least my shrubs will come back happily when I cut off one of its limbs. I strive for honesty because its what I expect in return. Hell, I am even honest when a friend is wearing something hideous…. they may be a beautiful person, but their attire may not be accenting that beauty. Unfortunately for my social life, the filter that accompanies the minds of the average person is non-existent in me.
Sadness seeps in between the cracks of anger because its obvious that this person I care about, doesn’t actually trust me in the grand scheme of things. I reach out with my heart because if they can’t trust me, then they must feel extremely alone or ashamed. I may not understand much of what a person is going through, but there is something inside me that will never allow myself to judge someone for their feelings. Even actions, if not too egregious, are unjudged (by egregious, I am talking death penalty or predator), because everyone deserves understanding and the ability to speak their mind.
Acceptance. It is what it is. Another one bites the dust. I accept that they will do it again. All my strength to believe them in the future has been wasted on the process of analyzing the deceit and questioning my own perceptions of the possibility. I will be questioning any future truths with the eyes of an investigator. The trust is gone and I am ok with it. I have mentally ripped the bandage off and will be aloof at best with any truths that may be told. (this step is like having to see Santa take the bite out of the cookie rather than see footprints and the half eaten cookie).
All of these steps can be avoided. If trust and loyalty are truly there, deceit isn’t there to begin with. And only through work will that trust be regained. If one of the two is unable to commit to the work that it will take, the relationship (platonic or otherwise) will evaporate into the ether. We may know ourselves best, but denial and blindness to our issues can me seen by others. Being honest with ourselves and those who hold us dear, allows us to see ourselves from another perspective we don’t usually see, so speaking with the intent to deceive or distract our loved ones, builds walls up in me that I never had to have standing to begin with. I am the opposite of so many people in the 'process of my friendships…. I have no barriers keeping myself from showing who I am (which is a blessing and an accepted curse all the same). The barriers that others have to break through to find friendship are the ones that are built when I have been deceived.
I think the scariest feeling of all is wondering if I am the trigger for the deception for fear of disappointment. Wondering if they have anticipated judgement from me and to escape from it they deceive or redirect me. Triggers come in many forms and if I did trigger something in someone, the only way to avoid doing it in the future would be to know what the trigger is so I don’t do it again.
What the other person doesn’t know though, is that if the communication is open, it allows points of view and needs to be shared as well as the feelings behind the actions taken. Deceit is the threat here, not the action or reaction of either party.
Let me know what if you have a similar mindset. Hell, if I am totally wrong in this, that’s also something to let me know. Self awareness and growth are worked on consistently, otherwise why even have thoughts!
11/4/2024
